BDSM consent and negotiation guidelines

by La quarta corda

7 – Expressing our motivation and expectations


Good negotiation begins with us, with understanding and expressing what we want and what we expect from what we are going to do.

In fact, negotiation is not only about saying what we want or don’t want to do, but also about clarifying what “mood” we are looking for. A spanking where both partners are joking and laughing is different from the recreation of a Victorian era punishment; a wax play done by two “equal” people is different from the same act where one of the partners is a submissive on their knees, worshipping the other’s feet.

The motivations can be many and vary from one session to another.

So I think it is useful to ask ourselves a few questions to get a clear idea of the emotions we want to feel through playing.

  • How do I want to feel like?

That’s the way I want to perceive myself during the session: vulnerable, beautiful, desirable, powerful, appreciated, free, etc.

  • What am I looking for?

This is the “mood” of the session, the “how” a practice is performed. I may seek fun, sex, suffering, power exchange, relaxation, sense of purification, exhibitionism, humiliation, etc. Even if we like a certain practice, we don’t necessarily like it no matter how it is done. Two people may also wish to do the same thing but with different purposes, which, if not made explicit, could make the experience unsatisfactory for both of them.

  • How can I feel that way?

If we have some experience we may know what are the practices and triggers that put us in the mood we are looking for, what the most sensitive parts of our body are, the approaches we would like to put into practice or that we would like to see in the partner, etc.

These questions are valuable both if we ask them to ourselves and if we ask them to our partner, as they contribute to getting to know each other better and probably to a more enjoyable session.

In fact, the purpose of negotiations is not only to get out of a session unscathed, but satisfied as well.

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6 – When and how much to negotiate

8 – Presenting our desires

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